Do you know why your wife is angry? Maybe you just figured out something was amiss. The silent treatment, the icy stare, and the slammed door finally made sense and you realized something had gone wrong. Do you know what it was?
Odds are good that you weren’t listening. Nothing is more damaging to a relationship than one spouse believing the other isn’t hearing them. Just because you heard the words that came out of her mouth doesn’t mean you were listening. You might even be able to recite exactly what she said, but that doesn’t mean you were truly listening.
Listening is done with more than your ears. Listening is an activity which demands your complete attention and your full effort. If you want to avoid the relational pitfall of poor listening, consider these hints to make you a better listener.
Turn the TV off. You cannot listen to your spouse while you watch the tv. Even if you think you can, she knows you cannot. Truly listening to someone else means giving them your eyes as well as your ears. While your wife talks, show her she has your undivided attention by taking your eyes off the entertainment box and looking directly into hers.
Lean in. Your body language sometimes gives off symbols you never intend to communicate. Leaning back and crossing your arms communicates disinterest and annoyance. Leaning in with your arms at your side gives the impression of interest and desire to hear more. Wide open eyes and an occasional nod also communicates you hear what is being said.
Respond. If you don’t understand, ask for clarification. If she asks a question, give an answer. Truly engaged listening always results in an ensuing conversation. Grunting out only “yes” or “no” kills a conversation. The best listening is done by responding.
These three ideas won’t solve all your marital issues. But if you are ever accused of not listening, you are probably not succeeding at these three activities. Work on your listening and you will be surprised how your relationship benefits.